5 Co-Parenting Mistakes to Avoid After Divorce
- Jodie Graham
- Aug 1
- 4 min read
It starts with small things. A forgotten backpack. A missed bedtime. A sarcastic text. Before you know it, you are frustrated, your child is confused, and you are wondering if peaceful co-parenting is even possible.
The truth is, most people do not go into divorce planning to be combative co-parents. But when emotions are high, trust is low, and the past is still fresh, mistakes happen. And those mistakes, often unintentional, can create more tension than necessary, especially for your kids.
What they need most now is stability. And that comes from how you show up. W.E.B. Du Bois said, “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” They are watching, listening, and absorbing more than you think. That means your behaviour, especially during conflict, matters just as much as your words.
Let’s talk about five common co-parenting mistakes, and more importantly, how to avoid them.
1. Using Kids as Messengers
This one slips in easily. You might think, “It’s just easier if I ask my daughter to tell her dad about soccer practice,” or “I’ll have my son remind his mom to send his lunch.”
Here’s why that’s a problem: the second you ask your child to deliver your message, you are placing them in the middle of adult dynamics. Even if your tone is neutral, your child feels the pressure.
They may worry how one parent will react. They may forget part of the message. They may feel caught between two people they love. And none of that is their job.
If direct communication with your co-parent is tough, use tools that make it easier—text, email, or co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or Cozi. Keep messages short, factual, and about the kids. Protect your child from becoming the buffer.
2. Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent
This one can be incredibly tempting, especially if you feel like your ex is not pulling their weight. Maybe they missed a school event, were late for pickup again, or sent the kids back in stained clothes.
The fact is… venting about your co-parent in front of your child does not make your child feel more connected to you. It makes them feel torn.
Even subtle jabs like eye rolls, sighs, offhand comments like “Your dad is never organized” or “I guess your mom forgot again”— puts your child in a position where they feel like they have to defend or choose sides.
Kids should not have to process adult disappointment. Talk to a friend, therapist, or coach when you need to vent. Around your child, keep it respectful. You are not sugar-coating reality, you are protecting their sense of safety.
3. Ignoring Boundaries
When you are used to operating as a family unit, shifting to co-parenting or even parallel parenting can be disorienting. Suddenly, the rules are not shared. The expectations change. And without boundaries, things can get messy fast.
Common examples include:
Dropping by without notice
Calling or texting constantly on the other parent’s time
Overriding decisions during your ex’s parenting time
Asking your child for information about what goes on at the other home
Boundaries give everyone breathing room. They create structure in a situation that can often feel chaotic. If boundaries have not been clearly defined, it is never too late. Start by asking:
What information is truly necessary to share?
When is communication appropriate?
What is the plan if someone wants to change the schedule?
Respect works both ways. Clear boundaries reduce conflict and show your child what healthy relationships look like.
4. Competing for the Favourite Parent Role
You buy them a new gaming system. Your co-parent plans a trip to the waterpark. You let bedtime slide so they do not get upset. It can quickly spiral into a silent contest—who is more fun, more generous, more loved?
But kids do not need two entertainers. They need consistency, routine, and emotional safety. That is what helps them thrive after a separation.
When co-parents fall into the “favourite parent” trap, it creates instability. Rules become unclear. Children may learn to play one parent against the other. And the message becomes: love is something to be earned through gifts or leniency.
Instead, focus on being dependable. Create routines. Offer structure. Show up. Kids may not thank you right away, but they will feel the difference.
5. Avoiding Tough Conversations
It is tempting to avoid the hard stuff, whether it is talking about your child’s anxiety, addressing a parenting style difference, or discussing a new partner.
But avoidance creates confusion. It leads to assumptions, resentment, and repeated missteps.
Healthy co-parenting requires communication, even when it is uncomfortable. That does not mean you have to agree on everything. It means you are willing to come to the table when it matters.
Here are a few tips:
Stick to one issue at a time
Focus on the child, not past grievances
Use “I” statements to avoid blame
If needed, suggest a neutral third party—like a mediator, coach or parenting coordinator
It is not about who is right. It is about what works best for your child.
The Bigger Picture in Co-Parenting
Mistakes will happen. You are human. Your co-parent is human. Co-parenting is not about perfection…it is about progress.
When you choose not to use your child as a messenger, when you hold back from bad-mouthing their other parent, when you respect boundaries and step away from competition, you create a safer emotional space for your child to grow.
And when you show up to the difficult conversations, even when they are uncomfortable, you model courage and maturity.
“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” That quote is worth repeating. Your child is learning how to handle frustration, how to resolve conflict, and how to treat others—by watching you.
So, take a breath. Give yourself credit for the effort. And remember, every choice you make today builds the foundation for a healthier tomorrow.
Trying to co-parent without a plan is like building IKEA furniture with no instructions. If you're tired of guesswork, I can help.
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