Is Nesting During Divorce Really the Best Thing for Your Kids?

In 2013, when I went through my own divorce, we decided to try something called nesting.

Instead of our children moving back and forth between two homes, they stayed in the family home, and we were the ones who came and went. From Monday after work until Friday morning, I lived in the house with the kids. On Friday, I packed a bag, left for work, and spent the weekend staying with a friend. Monday morning I would leave for work from my friend's house, and after work I would return home for another week. During that time, my former husband stayed with his sister.

For our children, it worked remarkably well.

They didn't have to pack bags every few days. They didn't have to adjust to two bedrooms or worry about where their things were. They stayed in their own home, slept in their own beds, and continued with the routines they had always known. During a time when so much of their world was changing, that consistency mattered.

For me, though, it wasn't always easy.

Even though I was spending most of my time in the family home, there were moments when I began to feel like a guest in my own house. Every Friday I packed up and left. Every Monday I came back. It was a strange feeling—never quite settling into one place because I was always preparing to leave again.

Looking back, though, I wouldn't change our decision.

Was it perfect? No.

Did it make divorce easier? No.

But I do believe it made the transition gentler for our children, and for us, that mattered.

Since becoming a divorce mediator, I've had many conversations with parents who are considering the same approach. Some assume nesting is the ideal solution because it keeps the children in one home. Others dismiss it immediately because it sounds far too complicated.

The truth is, neither perspective is entirely right.

Nesting can be an incredible option for some families.

It can also become incredibly difficult if you aren't realistic about what it requires.

For those who aren't familiar with the term, nesting simply means the children remain in the family home while the parents rotate in and out according to their parenting schedule.

Rather than asking the children to move between homes, the parents become the ones who do the moving.

On the surface, it sounds like the perfect child-focused solution.

And in some situations, it genuinely is.

But after experiencing it myself and later working with separating couples, I've learned that whether nesting succeeds has very little to do with the idea itself.

It has everything to do with the people, their circumstances, and their ability to make it work.

When clients ask me whether I think they should consider nesting, my answer is almost always the same.

It depends.

Not because I'm avoiding the question.

Because there are several important realities that deserve honest discussion before anyone commits to it.

In this three-part series, I want to walk through those realities.

In this article, we'll look at why nesting can be such an attractive option for families with children.

In Part Two, we'll talk about the emotional and practical challenges that many parents don't see coming.

And in Part Three, we'll look at the financial realities that often determine whether nesting is sustainable at all.

Why So Many Parents Consider Nesting

I've never met a parent who has said, "I want my divorce to be as hard on my children as possible."

It's exactly the opposite.

Almost every parent I meet is trying to answer the same question:

How do we make this easier on the kids?

Nesting feels like an answer.

Children continue living in the same home.

They wake up in the same neighbourhood.

They go to the same school.

Their bedroom stays the same.

Their daily routines change very little, even though their parents' lives are changing dramatically.

For many children, that familiarity can be comforting.

Nesting can also give parents something they desperately need during the early stages of separation.

Time.

Time to gather financial disclosure.

Time to make decisions about the family home.

Time to work through parenting arrangements before rushing into permanent housing decisions.

I've seen families use nesting as a bridge while they sort through those bigger decisions, and when it's approached thoughtfully, it can serve that purpose very well.

The important word in that sentence is bridge.

A bridge helps you move from one place to another.

It isn't usually meant to become the destination.

That's where I think many conversations about nesting go wrong.

People spend a lot of time talking about how well it works for children—and much less time talking about what it asks of the parents.

That's what we'll explore next.

The Reality of Living a Nesting Arrangement

One of the things I've noticed over the years is that most conversations about nesting begin and end with the children.

That makes sense. As parents, our first instinct is to ask what will make this transition easier for them. It's one of the first questions I hear when couples come into mediation, and it's certainly the question my former husband and I were asking ourselves when we decided to try nesting during our own divorce.

But what often gets overlooked is that while nesting is designed to create stability for children, it asks a great deal of the parents.

On paper, the arrangement appears relatively straightforward. The children remain in the family home while the parents rotate in and out according to their parenting schedule. In reality, however, you're not simply sharing parenting responsibilities. You're continuing to manage a household together while trying to disentangle your lives from one another.

That requires a level of communication and cooperation that many couples underestimate.

Over the years, I've found that when clients ask me whether I think nesting is a good idea, the answer has very little to do with the concept itself. Instead, I'm listening for something else. How do they communicate with one another? Can they solve everyday problems without those conversations becoming arguments? Are they able to make decisions together, even though their marriage is ending?

Those questions matter because the day-to-day realities of nesting don't disappear simply because you're living in the home at different times.

Someone still needs to arrange for the plumber when something breaks. Someone has to remember that the pantry is empty or that the lawn needs mowing. Household bills still need to be paid, maintenance still needs to happen, and unexpected issues still arise. The difference is that those responsibilities now require coordination between two people who are also navigating one of the most emotionally challenging seasons of their lives.

When communication is respectful and cooperative, those conversations are often manageable. When communication is already strained, however, nesting has a way of exposing those difficulties rather than solving them.

I also discovered something during my own experience that I hadn't anticipated.

Packing a bag every Friday eventually became more than a routine. Although I spent most of my time in the family home, there were moments when I realized I no longer felt entirely at home there. At the same time, I wasn't really living at my friend's house either. I found myself existing somewhere between two lives, never fully settled in either place.

That was my experience, and I know it won't be everyone's. But over the years, I've heard similar reflections from other parents who have chosen to nest. While the arrangement can provide children with a tremendous sense of continuity, it can sometimes delay the emotional transition that parents themselves are trying to navigate. You're working to build a new chapter of your life while continuing to step back into the old one several days each week.

None of this means nesting is the wrong choice.

In fact, for some families, it's exactly the right choice.

The point is simply that it's important to recognize both sides of the equation. We often talk about what children gain through nesting, but we spend far less time talking about what it asks of the adults. Neither perspective is more important than the other. Both deserve thoughtful consideration.

I've also learned that the couples who tend to navigate nesting most successfully aren't necessarily those who agree on everything. Rather, they're the couples who have clear expectations from the outset. They've talked about how household responsibilities will be managed, how expenses will be handled, what privacy looks like, and how they'll communicate when inevitable issues arise. Those conversations may feel tedious before the arrangement begins, but they often prevent much larger disagreements later.

For couples whose relationship remains highly conflictual, however, I encourage a great deal more caution. If every interaction is already marked by blame, resentment, or scorekeeping, continuing to share responsibility for a single household may simply create another environment where those patterns continue. The arrangement that was intended to reduce stress for the children can unintentionally become another source of tension for the parents.

Ultimately, I don't believe the question is whether nesting is a good or bad idea.

I think the better question is whether it fits the unique circumstances of your family.

For some, it provides exactly the stability they were hoping to create. For others, the emotional and practical demands become greater than anyone anticipated. The key is being honest about what the arrangement will require—not only from your children, but from you as parents.

In the final part, I want to explore the factor that often becomes the deciding one, regardless of how committed parents are to making nesting work: the financial reality.

Can You Actually Afford to Nest?

When people first begin talking about nesting, the conversation almost always starts with the children.

By the time they've thought through the parenting schedule, the routines, and how to make the transition as gentle as possible, it's easy to feel like the difficult decisions have already been made.

In my experience, that's often when the most important conversation is just beginning.

Can you actually afford to do it?

I don't ask that question because I think nesting is too expensive.

I ask it because I've learned that financial pressure has a way of changing even the best intentions.

When my former husband and I chose to nest, one of the reasons it was possible was because we each had somewhere else to stay. I spent my weekends with a friend, and he stayed with his sister during the week. Had we both needed to rent additional accommodations while continuing to carry the costs of the family home, the arrangement likely wouldn't have been financially realistic for us.

That isn't unique to our situation.

For many families, separation means taking one household and stretching it into two. The mortgage or rent on the family home doesn't disappear simply because each parent is living there only part of the time. Property taxes still have to be paid. Utilities continue to arrive. Lawns still need mowing, appliances still break, and unexpected expenses continue to appear just as they always have.

At the same time, each parent also needs somewhere to live when it isn't their parenting time. Sometimes that's with family or friends, as it was for us. Sometimes it's a rental suite, a small apartment, or another temporary arrangement. Whatever that looks like, there are usually additional costs that simply didn't exist before the separation.

That's why I encourage couples to look beyond the idea of whether nesting sounds like a good solution and begin asking whether it is a sustainable one.

Can you maintain the arrangement for six months?

For a year?

What happens if one of you needs to move? If employment changes? If housing costs increase? If one parent begins a new relationship and the living arrangements that worked at the beginning are no longer available?

These aren't reasons to reject nesting.

They're simply realities that deserve to be part of the conversation before decisions are made.

I've also seen situations where the financial strain itself begins to change the relationship between the parents. One person feels they're contributing more than the other. Someone begins questioning whether household expenses are being shared fairly. Temporary arrangements that initially felt manageable start to feel increasingly burdensome as the months pass.

When that happens, the stress rarely stays confined to the budget.

It often finds its way into conversations about parenting, schedules, and decision-making, creating exactly the kind of tension both parents were hoping to avoid.

That doesn't mean nesting has failed.

It means the arrangement may simply have reached the point where it has served its purpose.

I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions about nesting. Sometimes people view ending the arrangement as evidence that it didn't work. I see it differently.

If nesting helped your children through one of the most uncertain periods of the separation, gave you time to work through financial disclosure, make decisions about the family home, and establish a parenting plan before moving into separate homes, then it may have accomplished exactly what it was intended to do.

Not every bridge is meant to become a permanent road.

Looking back, I don't regret our decision to nest.

It gave our children stability during a season when so much else was changing, and I remain grateful for that. At the same time, I can also recognize that it worked because of the circumstances we were in at that point in our lives. Had those circumstances been different, my perspective might have been different as well.

That's why I never tell clients that they should—or shouldn't—choose nesting.

Instead, I encourage them to have honest conversations about whether it fits their family, their relationship, and their financial reality.

For some families, nesting provides exactly the gentle transition they were hoping to create.

For others, two separate homes become the healthier and more sustainable choice much sooner.

Neither decision is a measure of how much you love your children.

The goal was never to preserve one house.

The goal was to help your children move through divorce knowing that, regardless of where they sleep, they have two parents who are committed to creating homes that feel safe, stable, and full of love.

If a nesting arrangement helps you accomplish that, it may be exactly the right choice.

If it doesn't, that doesn't mean you've failed.

It simply means your family needs a different path forward, and there's nothing wrong with that.