What I’ve Seen Across the Table: A Mediator’s Perspective on Negotiating Your Own Divorce
- Jodie Graham
- Apr 6
- 7 min read
I work with people who are going through one of the biggest transitions of their lives. Divorce is not just a legal process — it’s a financial process, a parenting process, and an emotional process all happening at the same time.
Most people have no idea what the divorce process actually looks like when they start. They usually only know one path: hire a lawyer, go to court, and let someone else decide.
But there are other ways to do this. And what I’ve seen in my work as a mediator and divorce coach is that many people are far more capable of working through decisions together than they think — they just need structure, guidance, and a place to have the right conversations.
I want to walk you through what I’ve seen and what I think people should know before they decide how they want to move through their divorce.
When the Process Costs More Than the Problem
I don’t often have clients come to me after years of litigation. Most of my clients come to me at the beginning, when they are trying to figure out how they want to move forward.
I did have one divorce coaching client where I helped her put together a proposal — a full starting-point proposal covering parenting, division of property, and support. The idea was that she and her spouse would take that proposal into a collaborative process with lawyers and use it as a foundation.
They did exactly that.
Throughout the process, she came back to me a few times for clarity and support. At one point, she told me her legal bill alone was already around $20,000. I don’t know what his bill was, but I can only assume it was similar.
At the end of the day, the agreement they reached was almost exactly the same as the proposal we had drafted at the very beginning — with the exception of the spousal support calculation, which is where most of the negotiation and cost escalation happened.
I remember thinking: if they had gone through mediation instead of the collaborative process, I likely could have helped them reach that same agreement for around $10,000 total between the two of them, not $20,000 each.
They weren’t upset with their lawyers. They were just disappointed at how quickly the costs escalated while they worked through one difficult issue.
That’s something I see often: it’s not always the complexity of the situation that makes divorce expensive. Sometimes it’s the process.
What Actually Happens in Mediation
One of the biggest misconceptions about mediation is that people think they have to sit across the table from each other the entire time and negotiate everything face-to-face. That’s not how I work.
My process is a combination of joint meetings and individual meetings.
When we are talking about the children, we meet together. Parenting decisions should be made together, because both parents need to be part of that conversation.
But when we are talking about finances, support, and options, I often meet with each person individually as well.
This is where I see the biggest shift happen.
In those one-on-one meetings, people can ask questions they might be afraid to ask in front of their spouse. They can say, “I don’t understand this,” or “I’m worried about this,” or “What would happen if…?” without worrying that they’re going to trigger an argument just by asking the question.
Clients tell me all the time how much they appreciate that part of the process, because it gives them space to understand their options, ask important questions, and feel more confident before we come back together to make decisions.
That combination — individual meetings and joint meetings — helps people reach agreement faster, because they are making informed decisions, not emotional reactions.
Parenting Plans: Where Real Life Happens
When I work with parents, we build parenting plans that are specific to their family and their children — not just a standard schedule.
We talk about:
Transportation
Extracurricular activities
Holidays
Communication
School decisions
What happens as the kids get older and schedules change
What happens if someone wants to move
How new partners are introduced
How expenses are discussed before they are incurred
I had one family where Easter was always spent with Mom — not because of a legal reason, but because Great-Grandma was getting older and Easter was very important to her and the kids. So we wrote that into the parenting plan.
Those are the kinds of details that matter to families — and those are the kinds of details that make parenting plans actually work in real life.
When parents build their own plan, they are much more likely to follow it, because it reflects their actual lives.
Children and Conflict
One thing I have seen is how easy it is for children to get pulled into the middle — often without either parent intending for that to happen.
I worked with one family where there had been infidelity, and there was a lot of distrust around new partners and the children being around them. The children were starting to feel that tension, even though the parents thought they were shielding them from it.
We were able to work through that and put very specific ground rules in place around how and when new partners would be introduced to the children. It was very specific to their situation, but it gave both parents comfort and created stability for the kids.
That’s one of the things mediation can do — it allows families to create agreements around the real issues that cause conflict later, not just the obvious ones.
“Our Situation Is Simple” — Until It Isn’t
People often come into mediation thinking their situation will be very quick and straightforward. And sometimes it is — but more often, there are complexities they hadn’t considered.
I have worked with situations involving:
Affairs
Small businesses
Sole proprietors
Relocation considerations
Parenting schedule complexities
Support calculations
What I often hear at the end of the process is: “That was more complicated than I thought it would be, but you made the process feel easy and manageable.”
That’s one of the reasons I work on a flat-rate basis. When people hit a difficult issue — like spousal support or parenting time — they don’t have to worry that every extra conversation is increasing their bill. They can focus on finding solutions instead of watching the clock.
The Cost Difference Is Real
Even in fairly straightforward divorces, legal fees can add up quickly because there are two lawyers involved, and everything takes time to work through.
Even in my own divorce, which was relatively straightforward, the final legal process still cost us over $20,000.
In mediation, my files typically range from $8,500 to $20,000 total, with the average being around $10,000, plus independent legal advice. That includes working through parenting, division of property, and support, and building a full agreement framework.
When you are dividing one household into two, there is no perfect solution. No one walks away feeling like they “won.” But if you can reach an agreement that both people can live with and move forward from, that is usually a good outcome.
The Things People Forget to Include
One of the biggest issues I see is that people forget to include what happens if one parent wants to move — especially if it involves changing school jurisdictions or moving to another city or province.
It’s often the smaller things people assume will never be an issue that later become issues — especially as new partners come into the picture and life changes.
That’s why I make parenting plans very detailed. Not to make things complicated, but to make things clear — so there is less conflict later.
The First Phone Call
Most people who call me at the beginning are scared.
They are afraid of:
Losing their kids
Losing their financial stability
Making the wrong decision
Being taken advantage of
Not understanding the process
Most people only know about court. They don’t realize there are other ways to work through divorce.
In the first call, I walk them through all of their options and explain how my process works — especially the combination of individual and joint meetings. When they realize they will have their own space to ask questions and understand their options, you can almost hear the relief in their voice.
Why I Believe Mediation Works
I believe most people are capable of making their own decisions. They just need someone to guide the conversation, provide structure, and make sure the right topics are discussed and documented properly.
As a mediator, my role is not to make decisions for people. My role is to help them have the conversations they need to have, understand their options, and reach an agreement they can both live with and move forward from.
Because at the end of the day, divorce is not just about ending a marriage. For many families, it’s about restructuring a family — and that requires communication, clarity, and a plan.
And when people are able to build that plan themselves, they are much more likely to follow it and move forward in a healthier way.
The First Step
If you are at the beginning of this process, the most important thing you can do is understand your options before you choose your path.
You don’t have to make any decisions right away. But having the right information at the beginning can save you a significant amount of stress, time, and money later.
And sometimes, it can change the entire way your divorce unfolds.
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